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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.